Cold Fury

Harshing your mellow since 9/01

More manhood

Will any of you folks be at all surprised when I tell you that the gutless, pathetic pussy I mocked here yesterday also happens to be a despicable liar?

Well, I mean, sure, he’s a liberal and all, so that means…of course he is. And we’ll get to that. But first, I wanted you to enjoy some of the finest in mockery of the panty-drenching pissboy, from his very own follow-up column.

“Hey there Cupcake!” wrote Gary Haney. “I have never subscribed to the idea of ‘gender confusion,’ but after reading your article on the AR-15, I’m a believer because there is no way you and I are the same gender. You should surrender your testicles to the Department of Girlymen. I’m not sure where it’s located, but your girlfriend Barack does!”

Others sent me videos of 7-, 10- and 12-year old girls firing the same weapon I fired — except these kids were smiling. And I wear it as a point of personal pride that conservative darling Erick Erickson posted a story on The Resurgent with the headline, “My 10 Year Old Daughter Is Tougher Than Gersh Kuntzman, Author of the Stupidest Thing on the Internet Today.”

“You f–king pussy,” wrote Sam Markota. “If you have a man card turn it in immediately. You might be better served writing about feminine hygiene products!!!”

And that’s just the printable stuff. To summarize, this line of argument suggests that I’m not a real man because I am frightened by the awesome power of an AR-15, which, despite however you willfully misread my story, can discharge dozens of rounds in mere seconds.

Yes, this weapon scared the crap out of me. And it should scare the crap out of all of you, too. An AR-15 is a weapon of mass destruction, a tool that should only be in the hands of our soldiers and cops, as Rep. Seth Moulton wrote in the Daily News on Tuesday. I don’t think there’s anything unmanly about pointing out this fact.

Besides, if masculinity is defined by the power to commit violence on a wide scale, I proudly choose femininity.

Oh, that’s plain enough, Peaches. Funny you should think declaring your femininity is an adequate assertion of masculinity, though. But enough mockery for now; let’s move on to the lying.

My email and Internet trolls won’t believe me, but I support the Second Amendment.

Woof. I ain’t even gonna bother with that one. It’s certainly a common ruse used by the gun-grabbing Left, and anybody who buys it by now is an even bigger fool than Cuntman is.

And I even agree with one letter writer who pointed out that hammers can kill people, too, but we don’t ban them.

But what if a weapons manufacturer could fashion a handgun that would fire a nuclear blast — an atomic version of an AR-15, if you will. It would look like a gun, but it could kill thousands instead of dozens. Like a rifle, it’s one of many arms that we are allowed to keep and bear. But would we really stand idly by as people buy a nuclear gun in the name of the Second Amendment?

“It’s just a gun,” you might say. “It’s my right. Trade in your man-card, you wimp.”

Well, not exactly; no, it wouldn’t be “just a gun.” That would be more accurately defined as a “weapon of mass destruction,” a WMD, which a lot of people would agree isn’t what the Founders were concerning themselves with in the 2A. Although there is certainly disagreement about that too. See, that’s part of that debate you lied about us “denying” your right to participate in earlier in this piece.

Yes, I’m a wimp. I simpered because my experience with the AR-15 bruised me, body and spirit. But there’s nothing unmanly about reminding my readers that mass murder is much easier to commit with a semi-automatic killing machine than it is with a hammer.

If that makes me a girl, well, maybe we should have a girl running the country.

We already have one, thanks, no need for another. That liberal “MUST DO” box has already been checked, so to speak. But I’m gonna give him a pass on this one too, since I want to jump straight to the most egregious of the lying, for which we’ll have to segue over to an honest writer.

Kuntzman’s original report appears to have blatantly misconstrued what the gun dealer said.

Following his original report’s publication, the gun shop he visited posted on Facebook saying:

To our knowledge we did not know that Mr. Kuntzman would completely turn things around and make our establishment look like one of anti-gun advocates…

I can assure everyone that we do not support mental health screenings like they do in Europe and we don’t think that government officials should take away guns from people as it was portrayed in the article.

When it comes to the Second Amendment, there will always be some who abuse the right. Omar Mateen was one of those, unfortunately.

Gersh Kuntzman abused the First by presenting a gun store as being on his side, and then he doubled down by claiming those who have insulted him are interfering with his freedom of speech.

That’s because lying liberal-fascists like Cuntman oppose both the 1a and 2a, along with all the rest of the Constitution…even while insisting that they support it when they feel it’s politically necessary for the subterfuge to be bolstered. Which, as the lies they routinely traffic in go, just might be the most egregious and sinister of them all.

And now, for a palate cleanser, let’s jump back over to mockery, with Larry Correia:

After the wildly successful feature where ace reporter Gersh Kuntzman gave us the straight scoop on what it is like to shoot the terrifying AR-15 “Black Mamba Star Killer Base” rifle, we here at the New York Daily News are happy to present our new feature ASK KUNTZMAN!

Join us as Gersh Kuntzman gives valuable life advice. Send us your questions, from lifestyle choices to product reviews, and together we may peer deep into his earth mother like wisdom. From his lilac scented crying pillow to you, rejoice as Gersh Kuntzman let’s you know what’s really going on in the world.

Dear Kuntzman, big fan. I am trying to go green in order to save the Earth. Dying polar bears make me sad. Should I buy a Toyota Prius?

– Carbon Neutral in Carson City

Dear Carbon, I drove a Prius once and it changed me forever. As soon as I climbed inside the minimalist brutalist interior of this carbon fiber Japanese death machine it was as if I was driving a monster truck. I pushed start. The engine was a throaty roar like a thousand nuclear jet bombers. I immediately soiled my trousers to prevent this beast of the land of hentai from raping me. Tentacles are NOT OKAY. In my haste to escape, I touched a lever, and the windshield wipers began beating like a reaper’s sickle threshing horror. Trying to reach the escape handle, I struck a phallus-like pole, and lights began to blink. Blink. Blink. A light. A terrible, red, light! BLINK BLINK! Shrieking and flailing, I clutched desperately at the door, and tumbled, helpless, into the street. In the cold New York City rain, I lay there helpless and soiled in the gutter. The terrifying Prius looming over me, asserting its alpha dominance, and I crawled away. Forever.

Also, you may want to check out the new Nissan Leaf.

You’ll enjoy reading the rest of it. But not as much as you might, perhaps, after the realization hits that this really is the way some of these people talk, and think. And in that moment, it suddenly ain’t nearly as funny. Although it does point up just how good Correia is, that he can still dig deep to parody people who can scarcely even be parodied anymore, having descended so far into self-parody on their own, with no help from anybody.

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"America is at that awkward stage. It's too late to work within the system, but too early to shoot the bastards." – Claire Wolfe, 101 Things to Do 'Til the Revolution

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