Cold Fury

Harshing your mellow since 9/01

National Art for the Endowment–Washington Calling!

THE MASTER’S VOICE

Good Morning, everyone. I’ve put together this conference call because as artists, you personally owe Barack Obama a favor. After all, he hasn’t nationalized your studios and given them to ACORN for their BrothelAmerica Outreach Program, has he?

And as creative people, you know that nothing really good is created unless the deft, lighter-than-air hand of government is there with its selfless and endlessly fertile imagination.

I just first of all want to thank everyone for being on the call and just a deep, deep appreciation for all the work you all put into the campaign for the 2-plus years we all worked together.

EVERYBODY: “Wh…What?”

Oh–didn’t you know? We’ve been using your art for years without your permission. Or paying royalties. Now let’s move on.

We won. I’m actually in the White House and working towards furthering this agenda, this very aggressive agenda. We’re going to come at you with some specific “asks” here. And by “ask”, I mean “tell”. I hope you guys are ready. Obviously a big area is health care. Second was energy and the environment.

Mr. Da Vinci; We like this “Mona Lisa”-but is there any reason Ms. Lisa can’t be wearing a campaign button? In fact, the Committee to Re-Elect the Prince Yerbouti (CREEPY) wants her to wear a 2008 button, a 2012 button and 2016 button–that’s when the president issues his Executive Order proclaiming a bonus 2-yr. presidential term extension. And the vice-president’s office wants a “Biden in 2018!” button.

Mr. Whistler, everyone here likes the portrait of your mother. However, we feel there is room for a thought balloon over her head. She could be thinking “I hope the President takes away my MedicarePlus policy…it’s just a big giveaway to insurance companies!”–something like that.

And Mr. Van Gogh; we’ll be using your “Self-Portrait with a Bandaged Ear” to illustrate the way the uninsured are clogging our emergency rooms. I’m sorry you object. But frankly, Vince, that’s the problem; when I talk to you, it goes in one ear and stays there.

Grandma Moses, your art is fine just the way it is. But could you change your name to “Grandma Ishtar” or something like that for diversity’s sake? Do it for Warren, hon. And Michelangelo; one our our corporate sponsors, Benetton, has paid us for the rights to put a sweater on your sculpture “David”. And Calvin Klein will be paying us handsomely not to put pants on it. Thanks for your cooperation, Mick.

Now, Mr. Cezanne, for our School Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner and Midnight Snack Program you will see that we’ve taken your masterpiece “Apples and Oranges” and painted in some green stuff which we now call “Apples and Oranges and Organic Free-Range Arugula”. And Rembrandt, we’ve taken the liberty of placing a giant “Look For the Union Label”-banner over your “Syndics of the Clothmakers’ Guild”. We knew you’d approve.

Mr. Leutze, your painting “Washington Crossing the Delaware” is just the sort of jingoistic propaganda we here in Washington disapprove of. A slave-holding militarist leading a boat full of bitter-clingers on their way to wreak inappropriate violence on their European betters–and without even sending an attorney ahead to warn them of their rights! But the rubes like it, so I suppose, with a few changes, it might work.

First, Green Jobs Czar Van Jones has asked that you give the boat a solar-powered Evinrude outboard. What’s that…fired? Yes, he was fired. But what does “fired” really mean, anyway? He’s a czar: he was never really hired in the first place.

I don’t think I like your attitude, Mr. Leutze. Let me remind you that Gov. Corzine and New Jersey Game and Fish says your boat was unregistered. And Port Authority says Gen. Washington has been operating an unlicensed ferry. They say you owe them 237 years of back fines–I don’t know how much longer I can hold them off if you don’t get with the program.

Next up is Mr. Warhol–but I see that our 15 minutes are up. Let me just say that it’s been a pleasure doing art with you all.

I’ve know you’ve enjoyed our little chat about the state of art…and the Art of the State! Or as Socrates put it in his immortal “Stuff Lincoln Said To Jefferson–George Jefferson”:

“so that Art of the Government, by the Government and for the Government shall not perish from the earth.”

Have a nice day! Say–does anybody know who designed that smiley-face thing

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2 thoughts on “National Art for the Endowment–Washington Calling!

  1. the Prez has indeed been calling in favors – this weekend from the formerly main stream media! Unfortunately for Him, this only makes matters worse as He tries to sell a bill that hasn’t been written.

    It makes things entertaining anyway. Check out the review of his appearance on Letterman..

  2. He doesn’t write bills–he just sells the ones others have written. Same with autobiographies.

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