Cold Fury

Harshing your mellow since 9/01

“Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice…”

IT’S NOT JUST A NURSERY RHYME ANYMORE

It’s the motto of our much-vaunted Investigative Reporters, who have so suddenly and mysteriously gone from “Speaking Truth to Power” to Speaking Truce With Flowers. Obama’s no dictator–he’s their dictater, and they’re busily taking stenography from the officially official officious “Office of the President-Elect”.

That’s where asking Obama about E-Bay senate seats is “wasting your question” but asking him about his jump shot is not.

So it’s no surprise that our dogged and fearless “What’s-Your-Favorite-Flavor-of-Ice-Cream,-sir?”-Press Corps have taken to starting every story like this:

“(Washington, D.C.) While Barack Obama is of course completely innocent and had absolutey no knowledge of anything which might even tend to make him look bad, rumors and indictments continue to swirl around mental case Gov. Rod Blagowhatever, who Barack Obama barely even knew…”

In order to help the Snugglebunny Press help our new Commander-in-Snookums, and in compliance with the Federal Paperwork Explosion Act of 1984, I’m offering this multiple choice, fill-in-the-blank Spoon-Fed Press Release form. It can be used every week for the next four years, each time the president needs to throw yet another associate under the bus–for the Good of Our Nation, naturally:

“I, President Barack…

a.) Hussein
b.) Who’s Sayin’?
c.) bin Laden
d. Love Man
e.) “Steve”

“…Obama, do solemnly swear–but not in the legal sense–that while I did indeed know…

a.) Alex Giannoulias
b.) Rahm Emmanuel
c.) Tony Rezko
d.) Rod Blagowhatever
e.) 3 indicted politicians and a Cubs outfielder to be named later

“…I had no knowledge of their alleged activities and their alleged…

a.) work for the Mob
b.) work for the Terrorists
c.) work for Mayor Daley
d.) work for the F.B.I.
e.) work for me

“…My advisors tell me that my involvement with this person was strictly limited to saying an occasional “Good Morning” and that this person is merely

a.) my pastor of twenty years
b.) not the Tony Rezko, Raila Odinga or PLO spokesman I knew
c.) just a guy from the neighborhood who I assumed had been rehabilitated
d.) a distant, distant, fugitive alien absconder aunt who never bought me Christmas presents anyway
e.) my wife

“So let me be absolutely clear; under the Constitution’s Patagonian Legal Theorem of Unidicted Torts and Marshmellow Charms ratified by the Order of the Knights Templar in 1848, I am expressly forbidden from discussing these matters any further until I feel like it, except to say that I had absolutely no idea what was going on all around me and I am completely innocent as ever. Now round up the usual suspects!

I will now accept any and all wide-ranging and piercing questions on my jump shot, the White House puppy and my favorite flavor of ice cream–which is evolving! I think you’re all going to be pleasantly surprised by my answer!”

Would that be “Chunky Monkey News Flunky”, sir?

Just askin’. Lord knows the Popsicle Press won’t.

2 thoughts on ““Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice…”

  1. BARACK OBAMA IS NOT MY PREIDENT AND I,LL NEVER EVER ACNOLAGE HIM AS MY PRESIDENT HE IS A FRUAD

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